the bittman piece made me kinda sad for the first time in years about my lack of microwave. (i don’t not have one cuz i’m snobby, i just don’t have room, or rather, i have room but i value my kitchenaid standing mixer more).

Whatever. But because I’m the bigger person/appliance and because millions of Americans and perhaps billions worldwide have used me, loved me, and allowed me to nourish them night after night, calling upon me in their hour(s) of hot brownie need, I accept your apology. You have missed many of my secrets over the years, among them the magic of Peeps-jousting, two-minute rice, and lessons such as “what explodes!” and “what contains traces of metal!” and “never crispy!”. I am Six Flags over Fermilab, truly the Great America for all. So good for you and your eggplant curry. Welcome to the 1970s, I open my plastic gates for you.

Ours,
The Microwave.